so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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