i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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