I haven't been this sober since birth.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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