I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
