Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
