I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
