It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize