I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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