I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
