Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
