**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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