My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
