she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love you. Go after that dick
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
