nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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