Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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