I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
