I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
