Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
