did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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