he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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