Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
