Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
