there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
