i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
