Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
