Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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