If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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