the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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