remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
