Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
