We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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