I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
