my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
