I'm going to rape someone's good day.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
