You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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