Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
