I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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