Redeem this text for a blowjob
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
