I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
