Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
