The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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