My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
