Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I look better un-naked...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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