All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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