Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
