I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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