Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
