Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
