I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going