Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
