I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
