You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
