i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
