pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
