Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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