bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
