I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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