so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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